And though I believe in that, it’s still strange to me when I go through a period of time when I feel like I’m more myself than I ever have before. Because, after all, I’ve always been me, and I’ve never been one to pretend to be someone else. Yet there I’ll be walking out of the dining hall under an umbrella thinking to myself how utterly at home I feel in my thoughts- how comfortable I feel in my body- and how my spirit seems to be exactly where I need it to be.
You’ve heard about out of body experiences, you hear about people claiming that they felt like they were just going through the motions without actually being there, but have you ever felt those in body experiences? Those moments when you’re not just incredibly present, but its as if all of you has finally decided to work together and be on the same page.
What does it take to become more you than before? Is it as simple as listening to an affirming song or having your actions match your thoughts? The other day I had a friend tell me about myself, and listening to the way she described me all I could think was: yes, this is exactly how I want to be seen as.
The moment was so real to me I had to sit back and ask myself when I became who I wanted to be- rather than wanting to be someone I wasn’t. I had to think about what I did to get there and what I let go of. Was it really that melt down a few weeks ago that got me to let go of my fear? Or has this been building for months on end. Then I had to wonder how long this feeling was going to stick around.
All I know for sure is that I’m at peace. All I know is that I’m acting with confidence because I’ve learned that no other way works. It’s been a strange ride, guys, I’m not going to lie about that. I’ve fumbled and stuttered my way through life- knowing what I wanted but never quite sure how to get there. Then, over a year or so, throwing down the towel and realizing that I didn’t have to get to a certain point I just had to bite the bullet, let people not like me, let myself act like the person I wanted to be.
And if the person I want to be changes, then I’ll have to change myself all over again- because that’s what living is. That’s what it means to be.