I have a lot of posts sitting finished in my drafts right now, but another one is itching to come out of me.
I’ve been sick with Lyme Disease for over two years now, a year and a half of that almost completely thrown away, wasted as I wasted away on the sofa. The disease came sudden and it came fast, but it’s been sticking around ever since. I wrote one big post about it but it hardly goes into the hopelessness. It can hardly express the pain.
Truth is, I’m doing much better now. My doctor has pulled me off a lot of my antibiotics, though recently I back slide and had to have some reintroduced. I realized that I hadn’t shared that Monday night after even more people asked me if I was finally well. I’ve been asked that a lot actually. It doesn’t bother me much, I understand that I seem well. I’m almost at a normal activity level, I finally feel like I have my life back. I’m very happy. I can see how it all could appear to mean I’m finally healed, but I’m not yet. My Lyme isn’t in remission. I’m still actively fighting it every step of the way and it’s hard. It’s really hard. Sometimes it frustrates me to tears, but more often than not it’s lit a fire in me.
I hate calling sicknesses a blessing, but God has a way of taking curses and making them bow to His will. And He’s done that with this one. He’s given me so much perspective, so much hope, and He’s taken my world view and blended it so much that even in my fear I can see how truly blessed I am.
This disease hasn’t diminished my blessings it has somehow made them multiply. Friends came out of the woodwork. My family carried me through as they always lovingly do. I went on a wonderful date months ago with a man who, by complete chance, also had fought it. His is in remission now and he’s helped egg me on with everyone else as we’ve fallen in love.
I’ve looked at my body in new ways. I’m amazed that it’s been fighting for me this hard and this long. It refuses to admit defeat, and I thank it for that every day. It’s not going to give up on me, and look at us now, we’re winning at last. Hopefully the final round will come soon, though I’m not going to pretend I know when.
I’ve gained some serious perspective. People have situations much worse, people have levels of this same disease worse. It doesn’t lessen my pain or fear, but it does make me thankful for all that I do have, and it’s made my heart softer. I feel sympathy in ways I never could have before. I hadn’t had any physical health problems before, at least not like this, and it was hard for me to understand those who did. Now I do, now I see more than ever how strong everyone is in their struggle.
Perspective is a seriously powerful thing, and often it’s not something we want, because more often than not we have to endure suffering and years to gain it. But I will say that Lyme Disease has blessed me with just that, a large dose of perspective, and in the pain, in the struggles, it has blessed me with more than I ever thought it would.
This isn’t a letter to say that we should count our struggles as blessings, because that’s a hard thing to do, instead it is a letter saying that our struggles open our mind, and if you let yourself you can learn more than you’d ever imagine from them.
So yes, those who are asking, I am still sick. It’s been over two years. I don’t really know when I’m going to be done with this. I hope soon, but until then, you don’t need to worry about me to much, because I’m still doing well despite it.