My doctor and I had a conversation the other day about my Lyme disease, and how I need to be prepared to be on some type of treatment for the rest of my life, even if it was something small, like a pill a day. He said that he’s pretty positive that he can get me to the point that I feel healthy again, but told me that Lyme bacteria often comes back, and consistently fighting it is probably the only way I can continue without a terrible relapse that takes me back to where I started.

Hearing something like that, even when you knew it was possible, kind of makes you step back. It makes you quiver for a second and thing, “oh, I’m never getting rid of this.” It makes you realize that your life will never go back to what it was before you got sick.

It’s disheartening to say the least, and it’s really easy to focus on that rather than to focus on the other part, the part where he said that he can get me to the point I feel healthy again even if I am on a small amount of treatment. It makes you overlook the word small in front of treatment. When I took a moment I realized that and when I did I tried to readjust my attitude. I’ve talked about my current relationship with Lyme before, about how I’ve made peace now that I’m well enough to live my life, but still am desperately wishing I could finish the process.

It’s a strange middle ground to be at. You want to get better, but you’re so thankful for how much better you’ve gotten that you can’t bring yourself to complain. You can’t even bring yourself to linger on the topic for too long. You don’t even want to think about the disease anymore, because your well enough you don’t have to focus your life around it, but your still sick enough that you’re very often reminded you are.

It’s hard, but it’s so much easier than it was. It makes you feel like a living oxymoron.

I’m not writing this to complain. I’m blessed that I’ve been able to get to the point I’m at. I’m writing this to say that diseases and chronic illnesses are complex, and they last sometimes far beyond what people see. It’s easy to dismiss them when you don’t have them or you can see that people aren’t as sick as you think they should be if they’re carrying on about them. But these kind of illnesses are much more than meets the eye. They’re constant. They’re difficult. They’re very much alive and they very much have a mind of their own.

So here is your update on my health. Here is your update if you’re wondering why I’m still talking about Lyme Disease. Here’s to those wondering if I’m well yet or if I’ll ever be.

The answer is no, I probably won’t ever be, but yes, I’ll be okay. Keep those who won’t be in your thoughts and prayers. And please, for the love of all that is holy- wear bug spray.